Ian turns 13 next Tuesday. With spring break and Easter coming, we decided to celebrate early. A dozen friends came together on this windy, cool day to celebrate our son.
There was only warmth.
I remember the moments after Ian’s birth with the kind of clarity that will not fade for the rest of my days, every detail a part of my living history.
One of those days was the morning I was discharged from the hospital while he was to say in the NICU. We were in this little room on the maternity ward and were all packed up. I was terrified to leave, afraid of the life I was walking into. But I didn’t want to stay here. In this beige room with chair rail and wallpaper and a built-in corner unit that housed a TV and stereo. While waiting we had the radio on, something to fill the room and try to push out the heaviness, or at least make room for something else.
We weren’t really listening until we were. On the radio came a song I had never heard before. It was “Born at the Right Time” by Paul Simon. The words a balm to our soul:
“Never been lonely
Never been lied to
Never had to scuffle in fear
Nothing denied to
Born at the instant
The church bells chime
And the whole world whispering
Born at the right time”
Jason and I let those words wash over us while we wept. I had this clear vision of our son triumphantly walking across the stage at his high school graduation amidst cheers. It was the closest things to an out-of-body experience that I’ve ever had.
I have never heard that song again.
As the days and weeks and months shifted into years, there were times I would come back to that moment when time stood still. I would think of that vision and feel that warmth but also began to feel like there was something missing. It took some time before I could name it. In my vision, I felt like those students were cheering for Ian… but were they also cheering with him?
Because that was what I wanted for him. Friends. True friends to live life with. The kind of friends that make life sweeter, less hard, more meaningful. It is hard to long for something like that for your child because you have absolutely no control over it. Putting your child’s heart in the hands of others. But the joy when it happens… that is hard to put into words.
Today, I got to see it. Ian and his friends. True friends. The kind that make life sweeter, less hard, more meaningful. And that makes my life sweeter, less hard, more meaningful.
Around this time of year, my mind often drifts to that beige room when I was scared to leave and couldn’t wait to leave. Our tears, that song and its truth and how it pushed out the fear… “the whole world whispering born at the right time.”
There is only warmth.